Life in the psychwards
by Lovesblueeyes
Summary: This isn't a degrassi story. This is about me in the psychwards, and the friends I made. A lot of drama. Please read. xx
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I was having a nightmare. It wasn't a shock to me; I've been having nightmares every night for about 3 months. I didn't know why but I just did, and it was the same kind of

nightmare each time-I was dying. I was on fire. No one was around me to help me. I was alone, like always. I was in a building that I have never seen before. There was an

open window. I ran towards it and looked down. I saw a bunch of cars, and all I could think of was "How could they not see a girl on fire looking down at them from an open

window", but I knew what I had to do. I had to jump. It wasn't a scary thought to me; I was after all, suicidal. I just knew that I couldn't be in this pain, the fire was burning

me. So I stood on the ledge and-"bzzzz bzzzz bzzzz". My alarm clock on my cell phone went off. I looked at the screen. "6:00 a.m." it read. It was time to get ready for

school. So I rose from my bed, and went to go downstairs. My mom was already there, so I nodded at her and went to get cereal. It was like any other day; I ate my special K

strawberry cereal, and looked out the window. After I finished my cereal, I went to brush my teeth, and then I went in my room to get changed. I put on my ripped jeans,

and black hoodie with my black converse. I was feeling down, like I felt a lot this year, ever since January. Today was May 28th. I don't remember how it all happened, it's still

a blur to me, but downstairs my family was fighting. "If you don't stop being mean to Sam, she's going to go kill herself", my sister Brittany screamed. My other sisters Alexa

and Chelsea agreed, my mom was at a loss for words. I couldn't take it anymore; I slid on the ground and cried. I cried knowing they were right. After crying for about 15

minutes, my mom called out "Sam, we are going to be late for school!" So I put on this red bow headband that always makes me happy, reapplied my black eye shadow, got

my backpack and went downstairs. As I walked down the stairs, everyone stared at me. I felt awkward. "Are we going?" I asked annoyed. My mom nodded and we walked

out the door to the car. The car ride was really quiet, nobody talked. We finally arrived at the school after what felt life forever. I got out without saying goodbye, and made

my way to first period. English class. No one was there yet, not even Mrs. Gilmore our teacher. So I just sat down in my seat and put my head down on my desk, waiting for

the other students to come in. Finally Mrs. Gilmore comes in with a bunch of students, and the bell rings. All the kids that usually socialize in the hallways came in after the

bell. Mrs. Gilmore just looked at them. I was so tired from all the crying this morning, so I decided to take a nap. Class was over soon and my friend Lainey woke me up and

told me it was time to go to second period, art class. We arrived to art class and took our seats. Mr. Baker, the teacher, told us that today we were going to be using glass to

make a mosaic art piece. It made me happy that we were using glass. We were also using an x-acto knife to cut the glass into pieces. That made me happier. I held in my

hand the x-acto knife, and a piece of dark blue glass. I felt my eye twitch, and before I knew it I was pulled out of my seat and into the hallway by Lainey. "I knew what you

were going to do Sam." she said to me. "I thought you didn't cut anymore. And I didn't think you would do it during class". What is she talking about, I asked myself. Was I

really going to cut myself during class? I couldn't remember, but for the second time today, I broke down crying. I was having a major anxiety attack and my whole body was

shaking. Lainey took me to guidance. I opened up to my guidance counselor and told her I was suicidal. She seemed shocked that I was suicidal, but she comforted me and

told me everything would be okay, and I knew that day that everything would be after all. She called my parents, and they came to school in a flash. She told my parents

everything I told her, and told them it would be best to take me to the psychwards at Mather hospital. It's a unit for teens with problems, like being clinically depressed,

suicidal, bipolar, anorexic, bulimic, etc. So they did. My mom took me, on the way there she got me a vanilla bean frappuchino from Starbucks, and we were on our way

again. In the car I texted all my friends and told them how much I appreciated them being there for me, and whatnot. I got a bunch of texts back answering "What's wrong"

and "Where are you?", but I couldn't answer. We finally arrived to the hospital, and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was scary. We walked into the hospital and took a

seat in the waiting area, my mom filled out some forms, and i threw out my drink. They called our name, and we walked into a room with two ladies. They asked me a bunch

of questions, and I answered them honestly. Then they sent me to the ER to get tested. They made me put on a hospital gown and we waited in the ER for 3 hours. More

people asked me a bunch of questions, and I told them how I really felt. They made me pee in a cup, and they took about 2 or 3 bottles of blood from me. After a while, a

physician came in and told me that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. They said in time it will get better, I just need the right medication. They then admitted me to the

psychwards. Except, the adolescent unit, (for kids) was full. So they were going to put me in a room with this other girl, in the adult unit. You know when you watch a movie,

and there is that one guy that is all crazy? Well that's what he adult unit was like, and I had to spend the night there. A guy came and got me and put me on a wheelchair,

and wheeled me into the next floor, in his office. Everyone stared at me, knowing that I was one of the "crazies" who was going to go to the psychwards. For the 100th time

he asked me a bunch of questions. I found out that I have a cutting problem, I'm suicidal and clinically depressed, have ADD/ADHD, anger problems and mood swings, and

have a bad anxiety disorder. Great. He had me and my parents sign a bunch of papers, and then he wheeled me to my room in the adult unit. Little did I know things would

get crazy.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

We walked into the room and found a girl sitting on one of the beds on the opposite side of the room from where we were standing. She looked about my age, and she had

brown hair, and looked over-weight. Her name was Brittany, and she seemed really sweet, or so I thought. "Hey" she said to me, along with two teenage girls who were the

aids in the room. "Hi" I said back to them shyly. "Okay, it's time to say your goodbyes". I looked back at my parents and they had tears in their eyes, I felt my throat close

up. "Bye mom, bye dad" I said and went to hug both of them, not wanting to ever let go. "Bye sweetheart" my dad said, my mom just smiled a sad smile and waved. They

left and I turned around with tears in my eyes. "So what's your name and how old are you?" "My name is Sam and I'm going to be 15 in a couple of months." "Oh I'm

17,"Brittany said. I could've sworn she was my age. "Why are you here sweetie?" one of the aids who looked like Nicki Minaj asked. We had to have 2 aids stay in our room all

night long since we were in the adult unit, because it wasn't safe for two teenage girls to be alone. "I'm here because I'm depressed, suicidal, have anxiety disorders, and a

cutting problem," I said. "Hey I have a cutting problem too!" said Brittany and she lifted up her hand and showed me a deep cut that went from between her two fingers, all

the way down towards her wrist. I didn't say anything. "So do you like twilight" Brittany asked. "I love twilight." I said. "Well then it looks like you're going to be my new best

friend. " I just smiled. I sat down on my bed, and played with the edge of my hospital gown awkwardly. The girl Brittany was way too loud, so I tried to tune her out. I

decided that I was going to go to sleep, so I said goodnight to everyone and shut my eyes. I later on woke up to the sound of screaming. I looked at the clock and it said

2:14, and I looked over at Brittany and she was hitting and kicking the walls saying "The voices! The voices are telling me to kill you all!" I had no idea what "the voices"

meant, but it didn't sound very welcoming. She then took both her hands and started choking herself right there on the bed. I was stunned and by far freaked out. The aid

that looked like Nicki Minaj was trying to pry Brittany's hands off her throat, and the other aid was asking me if I was alright. "If she's alright? You're asking if _she's _alright?"

Brittany screamed. From that point on I knew my roommate was scary. I was thinking that maybe I would only stay here for a few more days, I couldn't take it. It was the

scariest thing ever. Creepy old guys would walk by the room and turn their head robotically and stare at me. I cried myself to sleep that night. I woke up and saw these two

old ladies in my room, and thought "Damn they got old fast", but seriously I had no clue how they got there. "Good morning sweetie," the one with the black hair said. "Good

morning..."I responded. "The other two girls had to leave throughout the night; they only had the night shift." I nodded still weirded out. I realized I had to pee really bad so

I excused myself, and went to the bathroom. "Oh one of us has to go with you, sweetie." The blonde said. "Why?" I asked. "Because wherever you go one of us has to go, it's

the rules. " "Wait, so you have to be in their while I..?" "Yes, but don't worry I won't look." She laughed. I just stared at her, and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the

foggy mirror and saw that I had raccoon eyes. My makeup smudged everywhere, so I cleaned my face up, and awkwardly sat on the toilet and did what I had to do. The aid

was trying to make conversation with me, but I didn't answer because I was kind of busy. I washed my hands with this soap that smelled like dead people, and walked back

into the room. Breakfast came, so I had to eat, even though I wanted to starve myself. They made me eat though. It was a bagel and eggs, and orange juice and milk. I

drank the milk and took bits and pieces of the bagel off. I really didn't' want to eat. I guess you could say I was being difficult and was kind of in denial about being there. The

aids threatened to shove the food down my throat, and something in their face showed me they were serious so I stabbed my fork in the eggs, and put it in my mouth. It

tasted like feet, and it was beyond gross. I pretended to eat the rest, and then closed the lid. I looked over at Brittany, she was staring at me. I looked away. When Brittany

was done with her food, we went into the hall to get our vitals done. We waited on line and when it was my turn, I walked into the room and sat down. I had to get my blood

pressure done, and this really cute guy was going to be the one doing it. He put his hand on my arm and I got the chills. "First time here?" He asked me. I guess people come

to the psychwards multiple times. "Yes," I answered, "Any advice?" "Stay away from the food," he told me. "Trust me I am." He told me he was studying to be a doctor, I

thought that was pretty cool. When he was all done with the examination, I went into the hall and saw my mom on the other side of the door. She waved to me and blew me

a kiss. I wasn't allowed to see her because it wasn't visiting time, and I wasn't on the adolescent unit yet, but she dropped off my clothes for me. If my time here couldn't get

any worse, they told me that they had to check my bag and make sure there was nothing inappropriate in there. The first thing he pulls out is a black lacy bra from Victoria

secret. Way to go mom. Then he pulls out my underwear, along with my black hoodie that I worse yesterday to school. You need to take the strings out of this. "Why?" I

asked. "It's a hazard. You could choke yourself with it." "Good god," I mumbled. What happened next was the most embarrassing moment of my life…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He pulled out a bag of pads. My face was as bright as a tomato. I couldn't breathe. Everyone was staring at it, and the guy said "Oh." and pushed it aside, with the rest of my

stuff that I got to keep. He then picked up a black tank top, and said "No you can't have this here, no tank tops allowed", he said. "You suck" I thought. Next he pulled out a

black shirt that was a little too low cut. "You can't have this either." He pulled out a pair of jeans and pajama pants and said yes. Then pulled out a big black planet fitness

shirt that I think was my moms. "Here," he said, "You can wear this." "You're kidding me, right?" I said in disbelief. "No wear this with the jeans and you'll be good to go." he

told me. I glared at him. "No way in hell." "You don't have a choice, now go shower and get ready and your aids will take you and Brittany to the adolescent unit." He said.

"Fine" I told him. I took my things and headed for the bathroom, "You coming?" I asked my aid. "You can't get rid of me that easily, dear." She chuckled. "Am I going to have

to leave the curtain open..?" "No sweetie, I will stand outside the door, but you will have to leave the door open halfway, and the curtain can stay shut." "Thank you." I said to

her. I went in the extremely small shower and washed my hair and body, when I heard someone scream. I shut the water off and tried to listen to what was happening.

"Sam, just get dressed and stay in there for now." The aid told me through the door. "Why?" I asked her, confused. "Just do it.", she told me. I listened to her and got

dressed; it sucked though because my mom forgot my makeup so I had to go meet a bunch of teenagers while rocking the natural look. I threw up my hair and waited until

my aid told me it was time to come out. After what seemed like forever, she finally told me I could come out. I came out of the bathroom and saw a bunch of adults in my

room, but I was more focused on the girl lying on the bed passed out-it was Brittany. "The things you miss when you take a shower," I said. A few of them chuckled, but most

of them were focused on Brittany. One of them was holding a needle in her hand. "What did you do to her?" I asked. "They gave me booty juice", Brittany said waking up.

"Booty juice?" I asked. "They took a needle and put it up my ass," Brittany said. "Oh," I said awkwardly. "Well you two should get going to the adolescent unit now," One of

the adults said. "Okay", Brittany and I agreed. We walked with our aids down a few aisles, and ended up at the door to the kiddy unit. When we walked in I was glad to see

some color. Back in the adult unit it was all dark and gray; in here it was colorful and bright, but still scary at the same time. The worst part was it was freezing. As we

walked by, there was a room that they said was the lounge. There were two girls in there. One of them caught my eye though. She was blonde and looked like a super model.

She was way too pretty to be here, I thought. The girl next to her also had blonde hair, but while the pretty girls beautiful curls were down, the other blondes hair was up in a

ponytail. The pretty one gave me the biggest, sweetest smile when she saw me. I smiled back sweetly in return. "Okay girls, this is Sam and Brittany" The aids said to the

two girls, pointing to each of us. "I'm Nicole," said the pretty girl. "And this is Molly, she said pointing to the girl next to her." "Hi", said Molly. I said Hi to both of them,

Brittany just stared at them. "Samantha?" A man asked. "That's me." I said. "May I talk to you?" he asked me. I nodded and followed him into a room. "I'm just going to ask

you how you've been so far, and see how everything is going." I told him about what happened with Brittany, and how I was so nervous to meet the rest of the group. He

said they weren't all bad kids, and that I would make good friends with some of them, but I wasn't here to make friends. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. It creeped

me out. I walked out of the room and went back to the lounge, and noticed that there were more people in there, and that Brittany was gone. "Where did Brittany go?" I

asked my aid. "She went back to the room, she was tired." Oh. Even though I didn't particularly like Brittany, I didn't know anyone else here, so I was scared. I was even

more scared when my aid told me that now that I am in the adolescent unit, I don't need her to be with me anymore, so she left me alone. I was terrified. "What's your

name?" Someone asked "Sam" I answered. Then I went over to a chair and sat down. Nicole came over to me, along with 3 other girls. This one girl, Stephanie, was small and

dark colored, she seemed really sweet. She asked me where I was from, and I told her "Stony Brook." "Oh my god, that's where I am from," said Nicole. "No way, " I said.

"What school do you go to?" She asked me. "Murphy." I told her. "I go to Ward Melville, I'm in 12th grade." She said. "Hey matt," she called out to a guy that looked faintly

familiar. "She goes to Murphy". "Really?" he asked me. "What grade?" "9th." "Oh cool, I'm in 11th grade at Ward Melville." He told me. "Cool," I said. "Why are you here?"

Stephanie asked me. I didn't want to tell her, so I asked her why she and everyone else sitting there were here. She told me "I'm here because I tried to OD," then she

pointed to a really cute girl next to her named Val, I don't remember what her deal was but she seemed really funny. Next she pointed to a girl named Heather, who had

really pretty eyes; she told me she hears voices, just like Brittany. Nicole was there because she ODD and it almost worked. Stephanie and Heather were in 10th grade, Val

was in 8th grade, and Nicole was in 12th grade. Someone then announced that it was lunch time, and it all went downhill for me then…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Everyone practically ran out the door to go eat lunch. I stayed back and went to talk to one of the nurses. I started a conversation with her, it was random but I needed too. I

felt out of place here, like a new kid in a school. There were two reasons I didn't go with the rest of the kids. One, I didn't want to eat, I was still in denial, and two, I felt like

I didn't know anyone yet. "Excuse me?" I asked one of the nurses. "When am I getting my medicine?" She looked at me and said "We'll give it you now, dear." She went over

to the counter and took a box out. She pulled something out of a box, and put a small pill in a cup, and gave me a cup of water. "Here you go." I took the pill, and played

around with it in my hand, not quite sure how to do this. "Um, I never really swallowed a pill before. I don't know how to." She told me to put it at the back of my tongue and

then drink the water. So I did, and it went right down. She asked me, "Aren't you going to go eat with the others?" I said, "No, I'm not really hungry." A few minutes later the

kids came out and went into their rooms, except for one. His name was Derek, and he came over to me and sat across from me. I was terrified that he was actually talking to

me, he said Hi, and I nodded back at him. "Why are you here?" he asked me. "I'm suicidal, depressed, have a cutting problem and an anxiety disorder. You?" "Oh, wow. I

hear voices." I knew it was a stupid question but I couldn't help myself, I had to ask. "What do you mean you hear voices?" "I hear voices inside of my head that tell me bad

things about myself and others. They control me." He said to me. "Oh, I'm sorry." I said. He laughed. "Well I better get going, ", he said. "See you around." "See you," I said.

He walked away and I walked into the lounge. "Guys go over there", I heard one of the ladies say. "She's new and she probably doesn't feel comfortable." So this guy walks

into the room. He was kind of cute looked like he was a senior, and he was. His name was Kevin. "Hey" he said to me. My throat closed up, I felt shy. I smiled at him." "So

you're new here." I nodded. "How do you like it here so far?" he asked me. "Good." I said, even though I wanted to run out of there the first chance I got. "That's good." He

said. We continued to talk; well he did most of the talking. I mostly gave one word answers. Then I was called into a room by some man. He told me he wanted to speak to

me. So I smiled at Kevin, and left. We walked into the room, and sat down in the chairs. He basically did what everyone else there did, asked me why I was there, and asked

me how it was going. It lasted for about 10 minutes, and then he sent me into the room next door for school. Every day we have school for 3 hours, and every day is a

different subject. Today was Tuesday, so we did Math. I sat down at a table next to Heather, filled with all of the girls. The teacher came over and asked me what kind of math

and other subjects I took. I told her, and she told me what page to go to in the book that I was sharing with Heather. I shared her calculator and we worked on the problems.

Finally after 3 hours we were able to leave. It was visiting hours. And both of my parents were going to come. My dad was going to come first, so when I saw him I gave him

the biggest hug ever. He told me he missed me so much, and I started crying. I told him everything that has happened so far, and how I was so scared. He told me it would

all be alright. We had a long talk, and after what felt like such a short period of time, he had to leave. So I started to cry hysterically. I missed him so much. I wanted to go

home. We hugged one last time, and he left. Then we had group therapy. So I went into the group therapy room. We played this game where we threw around a big ball with

sentences on it, and wherever one of our hands touched, was the sentence we had to finish. I got "What's your favorite food?" and I answered that with "Chocolate." I also

got another one that was "Do you like summer or winter better", and I answered "summer." When that was done, I went into the lounge, and sat down by myself. Everyone

was playing Wii. I couldn't though; I was only a level one. There's this thing called the level system. Level 1 is where you basically can't do anything, and you're stuck on level

1 for 2 days. Level 2 is where you get to bring food from home for snack time and you can do the other activities with the other kids, like go to art class, and you're on level 2

for 2 days also. The last level is level 3, and that's where you get to do whatever you want, and use the Wii. I was all alone, but Heather came in and asked if I wanted to

watch them play. I told her no, and she asked me "Are you sure?", and I said yes. She told me that she was getting discharged today, that meant she got to leave this crazy

place, and she also said I got to take her place and be roommates with the pretty blonde, Nicole. I was excited because she seemed nice. Then it was time for dinner, so they

all went to get their food and sit in the lunch room, but I sat and "ate" in the lounge. When they were all done they came into the lounge. This really cute guy, who I

remembered from group therapy, came to ask me something. He was dark and I knew he was openly gay, his name was Gregory. He asked me "Did you eat?" and I nodded,

even though I didn't. "Okay good, we have to make sure you're eating" he said to me. I smiled at him. Then they announced that Heather was leaving, so I said goodbye to

her, while everyone else hugged her goodbye. Then they told me it was time to get my bed together, so Stephanie got the sheets and blankets and put my bed together, I put

away my clothes in the drawers, and Nicole came along. The room was really scary. The window was gray, and had big chains and locks on It. The walls were gray too,

except at the top was a design of a tropical forest. It gave me the creeps. When they were done, I was glad. They left my room, and I thought to myself, Great, let's see what

unravels next…


End file.
